One of the happiest moments of my life as an occasional T.V watcher was the moment I heard that Big Brother had been axed. Low and behold, because nobody can come up with an original idea, it’s back again….. woop! (Insert tiredly sarcastic face here). But wait there’s more! It’s a ‘Celebrity’ version of the show, isn’t that great? Now, I’m not a big buff on celebrities, though I am vaguely aware of whom some people in the world are, actors and actresses mostly as well as bad mothers and plastic surgery hounds, but the people in the big brother house … who the hell are they? They are stretching the word ‘celebrity’ like the last teenie weenie bit of butter over the piece of toast that is your only hope of a decent breakfast, as well as being the last slice of the loaf. The only people I recognise are Jedward, because they shattered the hopes of so many GOOD singers when they advanced through the X factor, and Kerry Katona because she’s a god-awful mess. So I thought I’d look these people up…
Now, unfortunately, the only newspapers willing to cover the brand new series of Big Brother are the crappy red-banner newspapers that live off of sensationalism, peoples personal lives and mistakes, so I have had to dabble in the pointless ramblings of The Mirror, who have, of course provided full ‘housemate profiles’ of the contestants. So that is where the information was found (I can already feel my eyes burning from the stinging juices of a bunch off gossip hounds pretending to publish important news) but here we go ….
Tara Reid – I do actually recognise her from the American Pie films which are epic J and I’ve seen her in a few scrubs episodes, but apart from that she is quite low profile and I didn’t know her by name. But apparently, she had some ‘botched plastic surgery that kept her in the headlines.’ Isn’t the Mirror a lovely paper?
Kerry Katona – Now despite my dislike for the Mirror, they pretty much sum Katona up perfectly -
From triumph in the jungle in I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! to the humiliation of bankruptcy and cocaine allegations – basically we only know her for the bad stuff, and of course, the Iceland adverts. Not so much a celebrity as a failure, but at least she won the last reality show she was on (insert tarzan yodel here) :P
Amy Childs – I had no clue who she was. But I saw the words ‘from The only way is Essex’ and new I didn’t care anyway. Her speciality in this show, by the way, is owning a salon that creates ‘Vajazzles’ She basically spends her time sticking fake jewels on to women’s ‘Didcot ladygroves’ (Quote from the legend of Russell Howard :P) Oh, and she’s planning for second boob job? …. I hope it fails and they sag to her knees.
Paddy Doherty – Again, no clue. But he looks like he recently played in ‘the rise of the planet of the apes.’
Darryn Lyons – His nickanme is, apparently ‘Mr Papparazzi’ Basically he’s a bag-head who likes to intrude on other peoples lives. But he did do ‘war photography’ which must have been interesting.
Lucien Laviscount – Never heard of him, but at least he is being sensible so far. He’s been in grange hill, waterloo road and coranation street, so he’s making a name for himself in the soap-world. I don’t mind a bit off Corrie myself :P
Sally Bercrow – Now, I know that politicians are in the news increasingly often since they are doing such a good job of running our country…. But how the hell is the wife of a house of commons speaker a celebrity? Apart from the fact that she once posed for a photo in a bed sheet, I think a fair few people have posed in less somehow.
Pamela Hasselhof – The hoff’s former wife, also in Baywatch. But besides that, not much. Though she was jailed for drink driving recently …. BAG- HEEAAADDD!
Jedward – I need to say no more …
Bobby Sabel – a male model, of course, who has commitment issues. Apparently he would rather ‘be adored by all women than be tied down to one girl’ … player much?
So, whats my point? These people are hardly celebrities, obviously the real ones are too busy to sit in a badly-decorated house and be watched at all hours of the day and night by unemployed benefit theives or teenagers with nothing better to do, I’m sure there are other kinds of people who watch it but I think I may have nailed down about 85% of the audience there. What is interesting about it? Are our lives that boring that we have to watch other people who are ‘famous’ sneak in to bed with each other in the middle of the night and romp around like an old version of ‘The Sims’ Because that’s basically what it is. We know that Kerry will probably start fight with Amy childs and that Jedward will try and sing at some point and that every lame ass woman in that house will try and get it on with the male model. All that’s missing is a little bubble above their heads with a hunger, emotion and tiredness meter in it.
I only watched this pitiful waste of air-time once, and everyone was living in boxes for at least a day, one girl was even pretending to masturbate in her box, and I think that was only series 3 or something, god knows what will happen in this one …. The first live conception of a child – uncensored? Jedward actually sang a note – hazaarr! Miracles could happen, really.
That’s about it really, the watchers of Big brother need to get a job, or get a life. And channel five need a new idea, perhaps an educational show of some sort? At least now the jeremy kyle watchers will have something to watch after five pm….
:D
